Christina Grimmie: Instrument of Christ's Love

[The Christina Grimmie Foundation and the people of “Team Grimmie” all over the world have been celebrating Christina Grimmie’s life and legacy in a special way during this month of June. On the last day of June, I thought it would be fitting to finish these reflections on Christina’s faith, which we all know was fundamental to her identity. I know that many Team Grimmie frands are not Christians, but I hope they will recognize this essay as my own effort—as a Catholic Christian—to appreciate the significance of her faith in Christ in light of my own faith. For my friends who aren’t Christian, this text represents my effort in an ongoing dialogue in which we can all grow in a greater mutual understanding of what we have learned about life from a multitude of diverse traditions, our own seeking of life’s meaning, and the ways in which Christina’s bright brief beautiful life has inspired our humanity. I am a man of many words, but I am also a good listener, and I have learned much from all of you. I offer these words humbly and with great esteem for each one of you. And, of course, above all “with love.” ~JJ ]

"Jesus loves you so so much!... As do I" (Christina Grimmie).

Christina still helps us to remember that Jesus loves us... Her witness was not only in words but also in her own love, her own embrace of others, her own willingness-to-give-herself in love to persons near and far. She saw herself as His instrument (as, for example, when she said in 2014 that her voice “belonged to Jesus,” and that she intended to use it “for His glory”).

Christina didn’t put on a big show of “being religious,” but her faith in Jesus Christ was central to everything she did. She once said on a YouNow livestream, “my faith is not just a part of my life; my faith is my life.” Thus, her faith—her commitment to Jesus, her trust in Jesus, her “belonging to Jesus”—was organically united to her way of experiencing life, and especially to her giving and receiving love. Jesus was “within” all her relationships, and He empowered her to look at each person particularly, to listen to and encourage and affirm the dignity of every person. Christina wanted to be an instrument of the “glory” of Jesus. His “glory” is His infinite love, His total giving-of-Himself to redeem, heal, and transform every person and bring them to live forever in God’s love. Jesus is the only One whose love saves us, and Christina knew that. As His disciple, she saw her particular vocation not as preaching with words, but—as a musician—to witness to His love through the gift of her music and the relationships with others that emerged from it in various ways.

Of course, her particular commitment to Jesus did not guarantee that she would always act in complete coherence with her vocation. She undoubtedly had her share of misjudgments, mistakes, fatigue, distraction, and sins such as we all commit even as we seek to follow the Lord. It takes time to grow in conformity to Christ’s love. Everything that we know, however, seems to indicate that Christina consistently returned from failures and continued to grow in the scope and depth of her gift-of-herself to Christ. She grew in her capacity to witness to and communicate His love as He filled her life, and made her service more spontaneous —which in a personal sense means not more “automatic” but more free.

Christina let Jesus work through her by the gifts He had entrusted to her as an “instrument” of “His glory (Love).” Thus, His love could become, in a profound sense, "present" to people through their experiencing her love: "Jesus loves you, AS DO I" —thus she witnessed to His love by giving herself... right up to the last gesture of the last moment of her life. 

Christina did not walk around with that kind of “dour face” that some people who regard themselves as “religious” seem to have all the time. She was openly, ardently Christian, but there was something different about her—she had a kind of freedom which definitely did not neglect her Christian morals, but also didn’t seem “constrained” by them. On the contrary, her fidelity to Jesus seemed to “open her up” more radically to the fundamental goodness of reality as redeemed by Him. She lived that exhortation of Saint Paul: “All things are yours, and you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s” (1 Corinthians 3:22-23). 

Christina was not afraid of life. On the contrary, she plunged into life with gusto, always seeking the good—great goods, certainly, but also the “ordinary goods” that are a daily part of life for the average 21st century teenager or young adult. She was very much a regular kid—someone her peers could relate to—who had crushes and boyfriends and heartbreak, who liked to have fun, play video games, eat pizza and ice cream, joke around with her friends, laugh a lot, watch movies and television, text and goof around on social media, and listen to many kinds of contemporary music. Yet she didn’t “lose herself” in her adolescent enthusiasms, but engaged these interests within the context of “something greater” that grounded her sense of self-worth (as a teen, she once described her three main interests—in a tongue-in-cheek but ultimately serious way—as “food, music, and video games… all united and raised up in Jesus.”  

From the very beginning of her career on YouTube, she made it clear in her description of herself that “Jesus is my Savior and I love Him and sing for Him.” But her love for Jesus was not ponderous or constraining, nor was it an extrinsic “agenda” of prosylitism artificially shaping her activities. Rather, her love for Jesus pervaded her life in a way that was sustaining and liberating, like a flame that illuminated her whole humanity—that made her more relatable, more “familiar,” more genuine, more human—but also “different,” like something breaking through her whole personality that was “new” and attractive, striking and unpredictable, surprising and wonderful. Christina generated an environment through her presence on YouTube that was welcoming, gentle, and congenial, while at the same time stirring, fascinating, and challenging. She shared therein her amazing voice and her passionate dedication to her music. This was enough to attract a following, but at a certain point, Christina’s growing YouTube fan base found themselves drawn to more than just the great music. They (we) were inspired and drawn by her extraordinary passion for life.

It was not an easy life. Christina didn’t hide the immense difficulties and struggles that she and her family faced. Her mother battled cancer for over two decades, and her family had many trials. She loved her mother, was inspired by her mother’s own faith and tenacity, and shared the awful vulnerability of the recurring cancer—“co-suffering” with her mother, crying out “why?” to God without ceasing to trust God, and learning from her mother how to “become strong, little by little.” Christina and her family were very close. Her parents and her brother moved with her from New Jersey to California in 2012. They supported her in her music career and her mission to give glory to Christ and love people through music and the great openness to those she called her “frands” (friend-fans), who were drawn to the space generated by her unique “hospitality.” 

People all over the world—people from diverse cultures, traditions, religions, and ways of thinking—were drawn together into “Team Grimmie,” a group that was, and continues to be, so much more than an ordinary “fandom.” Christina gave her love, and—with her awareness and desire to recognize the good in others—she rejoiced in the gifts and aspirations of her frands, their encouragement, their love for her. She recognized the presence of Christ in these dedicated people who appreciated and supported her from near and far. She communicated with as many as she could through her online platforms, and she loved to meet them face-to-face and spend time with them on her live concert tours in the U.S.A., Europe, and East Asia. Her “meet-and-greets” after her shows were free, open to anyone, and lasted as long as possible. She cherished meeting with her “frands.” She saw them as “entrusted to her by God,” and she was always ready to hug them, encourage them, or console them. She also had a real, unaffected, grateful appreciation of their love for her, and of the goodness she saw in them. They gave her strength. She experienced the closeness of the humanity of Jesus through them. Through their goodness and love, Jesus loved and sustained her with His Heart that encompasses every human heart.

Christina also sought out the good in people and places that are “on the margins”—complicated people, sick people, misunderstood people, confused people, troubled people. They all knew that she was a Christian—and many of them weren’t, but they never felt “condemned” by her. They knew she loved them, unconditionally, but not in a vague fuzzy merely sentimental way. She loved them in a way that “moved them,” provoked them, woke something up inside of them. Experiencing her love made them (and all of us) want to go forward on the journey of our lives, to take the “next step” that was calling us—notwithstanding the risk it entailed—to act to go deeper into the goodness of reality that was in front of us, to say “yes” with confidence to the challenges that we faced. Adam Levine (from Maroon 5), who was her coach on The Voice, said, “when I’m with Christina, I want to be a better person.”

She gave us courage. She still does.

Christina lived “in the world” with a heart full of the love of Christ, and therefore a love of every person in whatever difficulties or afflictions, a love for actual persons, a love for the person who was in front of her at any moment... without conditions. She belonged to Jesus, and this was her greatness. 

This was her heroism. 

I don’t think she was naive or careless. She knew the risks of love, and through Christ she willingly embraced them. She lived her life for Him, believing in Him, trusting Him. Empowered by His Spirit, her whole life became a great embrace, offered through her heart, that excluded no one. Such a love is not merely superficial and sentimental; it bears within itself the readiness to face opposition and danger, and even to take the ultimate risk. Her faith in Jesus made it possible for her to live this way, to risk being human in front of every person, in all the circumstances in life. 

I think that in her heart she had offered her life for Christ, to be an instrument of His love, long before the night of June 10, 2016. On that night, she stretched out her arms to make a space of love for one more person. She was following her Lord, as she had made a habit of doing in her life—living and growing in faith, no doubt making mistakes, sometimes getting tired or distracted, but moving forward, seeking forgiveness, growing ever closer to Him. She knew the path that her Savior walked, with love, for her redemption and the redemption of the world. She knew that He died with His arms stretched open with love for everyone. She also knew that this love conquered death. Love won the victory over death. 

It still seems incomprehensible to us. It still brings sadness and questioning. But let us live in hope. Someday we will see and understand how Christina offered her life for Christ, and the mysterious ways that He prepared her to share in His victory.

This is why people "still feel that she loves them"—even people who only discover her after her death. Her love continues to shine, to be personal even now, to inspire us and help us, because she lives now in the glory of Jesus Christ. In union with God through Christ, she has not forgotten any of us and she knows and loves the "newer frands" too, the ones who continue to discover her on YouTube, to hear her voice for the first time, to encounter her person and her unique form of witness even now, eight years later.

"Jesus loves you... as do I" —she witnessed to His love with her own love, with her whole life, all the way to her last moment on this earth, opening her arms to "welcome a stranger." I thank God for empowering Christina to give herself with such great love, a gift that has touched our lives in ways deeper than we know.

June 29, 1996: The “Honeymooners” in Rome

June ends beautifully, with the great Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul. This always leads me to reminisce about the Eternal City. As I've said before here, Eileen and I are both "Romans" by virtue of the (different) times we each lived and studied there in our youth, and by our great excursion together at the beginning of our married life. We spent three and a half weeks in Italy for our "honeymoon" back in 1996. We were able to make this trip because we didn't seek a "lovers' solitude" experience; we spent all but five nights at the homes of friends. It was a real trek, from Rome to Assisi to Florence to Ravenna to Milan to the Italian Riviera. I'm so glad we did it then, when we had the time and the energy of our youth. I'm glad that, while we were still able, we rode trains and buses, slept on floors or (worse) the infamous Italian "letto," and hauled bags that got bigger and bigger as we accumulated loot along the way! 

I recommend this kind of honeymoon for you young folks, especially if you are humanities buffs like us. Trust me, you will never be able to throw yourselves about with such freedom as in these early days of marriage. Soon come the babies, and the kids, and before they grow up your bodies will have slowed down, and you will have settled expectations and habits, as well as tricky joints and bad backs and arthritis. Many older people still travel with gusto, but that sheer energy and “flexibility,” that spontaneity and lack of preoccupation with agendas or plans are qualities that are strongest when you are young. 

Youth is the time to explore, to rough it, to embark on physically arduous adventures, especially with your spouse. Go somewhere beautiful and fascinating, full of human history and aesthetic richness. Or go on pilgrimage to the places where God's love has touched the world. You will build a foundation of common experience that will stay with you forever.

In Rome we spent a week and a half at an apartment not far from the Vatican, with a friend's mother. This lovely old woman cleared a room for us, made coffee for us every morning, and often fed us abundantly in the kitchen at night (even if we had already eaten). I have never found a restaurant that can match the culinary magic that happens in the simple Italian kitchen. Oh, my my!

We went to all our favorite spots in Rome and shared them together. We brought our newly married life to the tomb of St. Peter, and prayed a long time. We explored churches and ruins and great art. June 29th sticks in my mind because we went to St Peter's basilica for the ceremony in which the Pope (then Saint John Paul II) invests new Archbishops with the pallium, a woolen band worn as a sign of their particular responsibility and their communion with the Pope.

It was a beautiful ceremony, very crowded of course, so that we barely had a glimpse of the Pope. (We had no idea, at that time, that we were going to meet him in a few days!) Afterwards, in the midst of the crowds, we bumped into a little bishop from Malaysia—whose name I do not remember—and struck up a conversation with him. He was the first bishop to bless our marriage.

I wonder where he is today. He may well have gone home to the Lord by now. We never did get his name.

Among many things, Rome is also a place of unusual meetings and unexpected changes in plans. It is a place where all the cultures of the world gather, dialogue with one another, and celebrate together the One who brings true unity to the whole human family.

Treasure and Heart

Jesus said to his disciples: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be” (Mt 6:19-21).

The “Culture of Relativism”

“The culture of relativism is the same disorder which drives one person to take advantage of another, to treat others as mere objects, imposing forced labour on them or enslaving them to pay their debts. The same kind of thinking leads to the sexual exploitation of children and abandonment of the elderly who no longer serve our interests. It is also the mindset of those who say: Let us allow the invisible forces of the market to regulate the economy, and consider their impact on society and nature as collateral damage. In the absence of objective truths or sound principles other than the satisfaction of our own desires and immediate needs, what limits can be placed on human trafficking, organized crime, the drug trade, commerce in blood diamonds and the fur of endangered species? Is it not the same relativistic logic which justifies buying the organs of the poor for resale or use in experimentation, or eliminating children because they are not what their parents wanted? This same “use and throw away” logic generates so much waste, because of the disordered desire to consume more than what is really necessary. 

“We should not think that political efforts or the force of law will be sufficient to prevent actions which affect the environment because, when the culture itself is corrupt and objective truth and universally valid principles are no longer upheld, then laws can only be seen as arbitrary impositions or obstacles to be avoided.”

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~Pope Francis, Laudato Si 123

“June Moon”

I worked this piece from a recently-taken photo of the moon climbing the twilight sky after 9:00 PM. It’s a “virtual design” (sometimes it feels more like sculpting-from-a-distance rather than painting because the tools are so diverse and I do lots of shaping and moving things around). It is not the result of  “AI Roulette”—I have been working with Digital Art for over a decade. These pictures (beginning with my own photos) take time and sometimes too much work. 

A kind of “sense of direction” develops as I select photos and try different digital techniques. It’s a process of using digital “materials” to make a work that embodies a creative intuition. (And, in the philosophical sense, the light and colors that are effected by all that underlying computer programming still constitute matter. They aren’t “spirit”! They are material elements that can be shaped into creative configurations that aspire to express the awareness of beauty.

So here is “June Moon” by JJ, made in JJStudios.

Saint John the Baptist

John the Baptist is my patron saint (although, since I was born in January 1963, I was also named for the current Pope of the time, who is now known as Saint John XXIII — so I figure that I “picked him up” as another patron when he was canonized in 2014☺️). But with Saint John the Baptist I get two feast days: his birth on June 24 and his martyrdom on August 29. Heaven knows I need the prayers….

Our Lives are a “History” that is Mysterious and Meaningful

We did have a very happy anniversary in a simple way, full of so many memories—indeed, it was a different world in 1996. Our personal "world," in particular, has changed a lot. A local Janaro family picture on our wedding day was quite different from the most recent local family picture (from Anna’s baptism last December). I have posted the latter picture more than once recently. On the other hand, this 1996 picture—which dates from the pre-social-media era—is seldom seen unless we get out the “photo album” from our wedding (I have begun to scan these old pictures, but there are lots of them). One thing that strikes me this year is that my Dad was 61 years old and my Mom was 57 when we got married. And now, I am 61 and Eileen is 57.

The generations have shifted. Our “history” is moving forward.

So many people who were at our wedding have passed on. I miss those friends (including one of my groomsmen), most of the older generation of relatives that I knew since childhood, and especially my dear father and mother. They have completed the journey of this life, and have entered into the final and definitive encounter with the Mystery of God. 

We no longer see them in this world and we miss them; sorrow is a profound part of being human. And yet, slowly with time, our sorrow begins to be changed, to open up beyond itself, to be turned into something like peace that even has hints of the flavor of joy. 

Human life is historical, which means it changes. But we know that God has come to dwell with us, and He fills all history and our own lives, all the changes and losses (even those that are painful and overwhelming). He fills all of life with His promise, and He asks us to trust in Him.

Jesus is God-with-us, the center of the cosmos and of history. He stays with us in our own “histories of our lives,” takes our sins and sorrows and bears them Himself, and gives meaning to everything.

So we have a great hope that grows mysteriously (sometimes, it seems, “strangely”) with the passage of the years. We miss our loved ones, but we know that they remain in our lives—and not in a merely vague and hazy manner generated by our own mythopoetic reconstruction of our memories of the past. We remain together with them in Jesus Christ crucified and risen, glorified at the Father’s right hand, sending the Holy Spirit to transform us—Jesus present in His Church, present in a powerful way through the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage that marked our wedding day, 28 years ago, and that remains to this day as a fountain of grace that sustains our lives and our marriage. 

Dear Jesus, thank You for everything. Grant that we may always remember You and adhere to You. Carry us both, in Your Mercy, to the fulfillment of Your eternal embrace, together with those who have gone before us, with those who are with us now (children and grandchildren), and with those yet to come—the generations of the future.

Our Anniversary: 28 Years!

Here’s what I “said” to my wife today…on my social media platforms, because I don’t mind if the whole world hears it. I am full of awe and gratitude.

Here on the blog, I’m also posting the original, higher resolution photos that I used in the composition of this “virtual card.” 

Summer 2024 is Here

The Summer Solstice has arrived for 2024. Over the next week we'll have our longest days of the year, with nearly 15 hours from sunrise to sunset.

And, although I'm not at the beach as I was "dreaming" in my last post, there is much to be said for living in a place that looks like our Shenandoah Valley in June (above).

Happy Summertime!

I Would Love to Smell the Sea Air Again

I virtually dabbled my way from a photograph of a local meadow and ordinary foliage to this scene of breezy palms and gathering clouds on a quiet coast. Seawater and salty air, warm but with gentle wind currents... perhaps a subconscious longing led my imagination in the direction of a place I would really like to be right now. I love water. Especially, I have always found that being near the ocean rejuvenates me. Unfortunately I haven't been to the beach in eight years. I'm glad that my beloved "Happy Creek" flows through our neighborhood, and the legendary Shenandoah River is just a few miles away. My memories are enriched by many experiences of many waters in my younger days, boating, fishing, swimming, or just strolling on the edges of shorelines and the shallows of riverbanks. The movement of water stirs up my soul.

There is cool water in the bottle at my bedside. Overall, I'm having a harder time doing simple things. On "good days" I can walk in the long evening daylight and even spend some time in the main room of the house with Eileen, Jojo, and various adult children or grandchildren who may also be here.

On "bad days" I have lots of pain and spend most of the day in bed. I have access to all kinds of media and, of course, books to read (if my aching fingers can manage to keep them open in my lap or on my chest). And there's always music. Above all, people pop in to keep me company for a bit.

I’m always happy and grateful to see people. Certain “little people,” of course, can really make my day.

It's been a tough period of time for me, but also it's been a time for beautiful surprises. Still, I'm struggling.

We are all enduring many trials. Let us remember to pray for one another.

A Fatherhood Collage

I just put these few pictures together in honor of Fathers’ Day. It is amazing that my son, who was once a baby in my arms, and then a growing boy, is now a fully grown man and a father himself.

Thus we contribute, each in our turn, to building human history, generation after generation, parents to children, father to son, then son to his children in turn.

The Lord Gives Us Time….

The source of so much of my frustration is my lack of patience. I must ask for the grace to be patient, and to resist the temptation to become discouraged. I suppose this is a problem we all have. May God have mercy on us all.

Pope Francis reminded me about “patience” in his Angelus message for June 16. The selection below is worth quoting:

“The Lord places in us the seeds of His word and His grace, good seeds, abundant seeds, and then, without ever ceasing to accompany us, He waits patiently. The Lord continues to take care of us, with the confidence of a Father, but He gives us time – the Lord is patient – so that the seeds open, grow and develop to the point of bearing the fruits of good works. And this is because He wants nothing in His field to be lost, that everything should reach full maturity; He wants us all to be able to grow like ears of grain.

“Not only this. By doing so, the Lord gives us an example: He teaches us too to sow the Gospel confidently wherever we are, and then to wait for the seed that has been sown to grow and bear fruit in us and in others, without becoming discouraged and without ceasing to support and help each other even where, despite our efforts, we do not seem to see immediate results. In fact, often even among us, beyond appearances, the miracle is already underway, and in due course it will bear abundant fruit!”

Some Reflections on "Offering Everything" to God

When we wake up in the morning, it is good to pray a "Morning Offering" in which we remember Jesus and offer everything that awaits us each day in union with the all-embracing sacrifice that His love has accomplished on the Cross for our redemption. There are many versions of this prayer, or we can use our own words. .

We might say something like: "O Heart of Jesus, we offer You all our thoughts, words, and actions, our joys, sorrows, and sufferings of this day. We offer You everything." Through Jesus, we are able to live in an inexhaustible and super-abundant way the "vitality" that is at the foundation of all created things—their relation (and ours) to the Mystery of God.

What is it that we do (or at least desire to do, however forgetful we may be afterward) when we "offer" our day to God? "Offering" involves a fundamental recognition; it entails the affirmation of the reality of things according to that inner secret that constitutes their being and goodness: the fact that they belong-to-Another. 

Beings in this world attract us, fascinate us, engage the interest of our minds and draw forth love and enthusiasm from our hearts—they give us a "taste" and suggest a "promise" that educates of hope of our lives and gives impetus to our journey along the path of space and time that opens before us.

The realities of this life are promises of the ultimate meaning and fulfillment of the universe, all things, and ourselves. But they cannot—while we engage them on the roads of this world—give us the ultimate fulfillment; they point towards a goal and educate us through their reflection of many facets of its promise that we too are are "made for" this goal that draws all things into unity. 

At the same time, the promise of total goodness and unity that shines all through reality and attracts us every day is also mysterious. It transcends everything with a radical originality and the overflowing free gift of a unity and love that "correspond" to the hope for fulfillment that has been awakened within us while also surpassing it in ways beyond our imagining.

All things belong to the Mystery that is their Source, sustenance, and fulfillment—the "Infinite" Mystery beyond all things, who fashions all things, who freely gives all things to themselves and one another according to a mysterious wisdom.

And so we cannot possess things by dominating them and reducing them to our own finite and ultimately reductive, constraining measure. Our life becomes "offering" when we use and possess and love things in a way that takes them completely seriously, because things are a hymn of rejoicing to the One who makes them be, and the only way to truly love them is to join in that hymn.

The ecstasy of the beauty of things is their abandoning-of-themselves to the One who sustains them and calls them to their own fruition. We offer our day when we join in with the "giving" of things, when we allow their song of rejoicing to enter into our awareness, when our engagement of reality becomes a prayer, a "blessing of the Lord" that gives voice to the hymn of creation: Bless the Lord, all you works of the Lord. Praise and exalt Him above all forever!

How does this "offering" extend to love for another person? The greatest gift, the greatest beauty in all of creation is the other person. There is much to be said about this. For now, I can only reflect that in loving other persons I am loving others who, like me, are called to the joys of eternal life. This is where the true identity of every person is found. Every person is created in the image of God and called to share in the likeness of God and the life of God. This unique, sacred, personal vocation to belong to God as His child (and heir) in Jesus Christ their Redeemer and brother is at the heart of who each person really is.

When I engage in a relationship with another person, I "offer" that relationship through the recognition that this someone is not primarily a source of satisfaction or utility for me, but someone who has a vocation, a fulfillment corresponding to their own freedom, a personal destiny—they are a someone who is "for Another." To offer to God my love for another person means also to love that person for who they truly are, that is, to love them for the sake of that Other and their relationship with that Other. It is to love their destiny.

More Digital Art by JJ, with a nod to Saint Anthony

Here is some of the latest artwork from JJStudios!

I’m not referring to the fifteenth-century image of Saint Anthony of Padua (Anonymous, from Cordoba, Spain) that you see here first. Rather, as Summer draws near, I wanted to present some of my own “Scenes of May and June” (below) on today’s feast of Saint Anthony, who is one of the beloved patron saints of my late father, Walter Anthony Janaro II. I miss Dad. He always appreciated my “nature posts” on this blog. I think about and pray for my Dad especially on Saint Anthony’s Day.

And, of course, Saint Anthony is important to his father before him (WAJ I, the grandfather I never met who died in 1944), and the still-very-much-alive Walter Anthony Janaro III—my older brother, who is generally known in these parts simply as “Walter” (just one name, like a rock star) or, around the family, “Uncle Walter.” It’s funny that I have gone into all this description of three generations of Janaro men, because this post was not supposed to be about them. It’s a “virtual exhibit” by JJStudios, but things, and relationships, and our work, and our plans are wider and more meaningful than we realize. Saint Anthony knew this, and he continues to help us to recognize and remember God’s love and mercy in the ordinary details of life.

Saint Anthony, pray for my grandfather, my father, and my brother. Pray for all of us.

And now, about these pictures—they are works that arise from meditations on the natural world and experiments in digital artistic techniques of different kinds. They usually originate from photographs that I have taken in my local environment. In the past—historically-speaking it was not too long ago—photography itself was considered a new and strange technological “trick” for capturing and presenting “realistic” images. It took some time for photographers to discover the proper artistic possibilities of their own medium. They had to work at it and take pictures, lots of pictures. 

Now we have new digital techniques for manipulating photographic images. There are more and more of them all the time. They seem like techniques for cheating, deceiving, and banalizing image-making. But we hope that they can also be used wisely, and in the service of beauty and creativity. We must discover the possibilities of digital and even so-called “AI” as complex tools, as further media that can be shaped by bodily persons whose ways of communicating always involve the use of “physical” media. It will take time and much attention to discover distinctive visual portrayals with these media that authentically convey the vision and labor of human personal creativity. But we have every reason to think that here too, beauty can shine through.

That is certainly my hope. This blog continues to be a place where I share my efforts and experiments and—mostly—failures as a digital media artist. 

I am not afraid of the failures (though, of course, I don’t aim to fail, and I certainly don’t like to fail). Mostly, I try to learn from failure. I learn the limits of these media, and become more focused on their real possibilities. I move forward in an education in craft, creativity, and finding beauty.

Feast of Saint Barnabas the Apostle

"The Church in Jerusalem... sent Barnabas to Antioch. When he arrived and saw the grace of God, he rejoiced and encouraged them all to remain faithful to the Lord in firmness of heart for he was a good man, filled with the Holy Spirit and faith. And a large number of people was added to the Lord. Then he went to Tarsus to look for Saul, and when he had found him he brought him to Antioch. For a whole year they met with the Church and taught a large number of people, and it was in Antioch that the disciples were first called Christians" (Acts 11:22-26).

In Loving Memory of Christina Grimmie, After Eight Years

On June 10, 2024, eight years later:

Renewed Day By Day

"We who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh... Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal.

"For we know that if our earthly dwelling, a tent, should be destroyed, we have a building from God, a dwelling not made with hands, eternal in heaven... While we are in this tent we groan and are weighed down, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a first installment."

~2 Corinthians 4:11, 16-18; 5:1, 4-5

Come Holy Spirit, Through Mary’s Heart

Prayer for the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary:

“O God, who prepared a fit dwelling place for the Holy Spirit in the Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary, graciously grant that through her intercession we may be a worthy temple of your glory.
Through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God, for ever and ever.” .

The Heart of Jesus Says, “Come To Me…”

Jesus, God the Son, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity (the God who is “one but not solitary,” who is an eternal communion of ineffable love)… Jesus, our God, our Savior, Son of the Father… Jesus is a man. “The Word was made flesh…” (John 1:14).

Jesus is human. He understands us, longs for us, suffers for us in His human heart. Jesus says, “Come to me.”

We poor humans with our sorrows and heavy burdens—God is not far away. He is here. He is Jesus and He wants to stay with us. God has a human heart, and with that beating heart He loves each one of us and every human person. He loves us in a fully human way, and He wants us to love Him. We are His brothers and sisters.

We are also, therefore, brothers and sisters to one another. In the love of His Heart, Jesus longs for us to love one another.

Life as an Invalid Feels Like Prison?

It has been a hard year, a hard Spring, a hard last couple of weeks. I have been hurting a lot. Reading is harder, writing is harder, thinking is harder, remembering things is harder. But Depression isn’t too bad, and OCD is manageable… most of the time. All this stuff is familiar from the past 20+ years. It’s all related to the Lyme disease that went untreated and misdiagnosed for a very long time (read my 2010 book for details about that odyssey and other things too: here’s the LINK). We did everything we could back in ‘04 and ‘05 when I was finally diagnosed for Lyme that I may have first contracted in 1988. Success was only partial. Symptoms recur—call it “chronic Lyme” or “post-Lyme” or “long Lyme” (a new perspective for doctors who have had to deal with “long COVID”). I have had “ups and downs” frequently, and flare-ups of this or that for years. But lately I’m getting hit with a barrage of stuff at the same time.

Is this like being in prison? Sometimes it feels that way. It feels like prison.

I’m frustrated. Stuck mostly in bed these days. I’m able to take a walk most evenings. Prisoners are allowed out for exercise for a half hour every day. Mass on Sunday. Otherwise I rely on technological gadgets, which have opened lots of avenues of wider engagement from home. And, of course, books. But lately, I’m so tired…

I have so many thoughts in my mind, so much I have studied and considered long and hard, but I worry because I can’t “get them out,” express them, share them. Sometimes I can’t even put them together in my own head. Over 30 years ago, Fr Giussani told me, “You will be a great teacher.” I am a sinner, but I think I have tried to follow the way he pointed out to me. When I got too sick to teach in the classroom any more, I kept studying. I have learned much in my years as an “invalid” (or, as I prefer to say, “semi-invalid”), and it’s not just academic stuff.

I’m lazy, proud, and disorganized, but I keep trying. Or I’m trying to try… I want to live, and even if I’m tied up, I want to look at the rope and learn about it, and I recognize that there is something more than its constraints. I know that the meaning of my life doesn’t depend on myself. I’m created and sustained and I belong to the Infinite Someone who moves me. I forget that too often, or sometimes I just cry out “Why? Where am I going?” 

I have been given so many possibilities to learn, to verify again and again that all of this life is a sign of the promise of meaning and fulfillment, and my total need for the One who brings them. With my academic training, I’m listening to the voices of the peoples of recent history, and the tremendous suffering that has been endured. Aspirations and achievements too—great and hopeful things, yes!—but so much suffering, failure, distortion, betrayal, so much crying out in the darkness, so many defenseless human persons being smashed—yet especially here, the image of God doesn’t disappear, and any spark of humanity left unquenched keeps looking for air to burn.

We continue to endure this monstrous storm, expanding our power and riding on the edges of chaos. Admirable achievements, but so much suffering and so much darkness. “Why, God? Where are we going?”

Eh, my “prison”? I’m certainly not alone here. This “place” is full of humanity, of persons. There is so much longing for life here. And of course, Jesus is here. He has come to stay with us, to suffer with us and for us, to suffer for the sake of love. What does that mean, God? What is this “love,” Jesus?

The Mystery dwells among us. Never mind “theology,” I’m too small to understand more than what is given to me. Many saints have reached great depths in the experience of this mysterious love. But millions and millions of people (as far as we can tell) have never really heard His name. The Mystery dwells among us in mysterious ways. Somehow, they encounter Him. But we want to share with them the awareness of Him that has been given to us. We want to share Him, share ourselves… and also we want to discover His love for others—encounter Him through them too. There are surprising “signs” among the poor and suffering peoples of this earth.

Perhaps what really matters for me right now is praying and suffering my incapacities, “offering” them in union with Jesus, especially for my beautiful family and for those who carry heavy burdens, that they might know the Lord’s mercy.

Meanwhile, I work as much as I am able, without trying to overdo it. I thank God for every day.

I read. I listen to audio when my eyes are too tired. I can still experiment with digital graphic art, which nevertheless sometimes stresses me out because the new possibilities are growing constantly and exponentially. It takes time to get used to new forms and capacities of media. You can see that I made a strange “self-portrait” above.

Please pray for me as I struggle with difficulties like these. We all suffer with pain that is beyond our understanding. I know that. Let us pray for one another.

The Human Dignity of the Chinese People

Thirty-five years ago (June 4, 1989), the Chinese Communist Party mercilessly crushed thousands of people who had been gathering for over a month in Tiananmen Square to demonstrate peacefully, and to petition their rulers for basic human rights and recognition of human dignity. In Beijing, protesters were joined by people from all walks of life, including journalists from the PartyState-controlled media.

We must never forget the Chinese people or other peoples of the world whose fundamental dignity as human persons is neglected, repressed, or violated by the ideologies and weapons of unjust powers. If nothing else, we can listen to their stories, hold them in our hearts, and pray for them.

Solemnity of Corpus Christi 2024

“It is truly right and just, our duty and our salvation, always and everywhere to give you thanks, Lord, holy Father, almighty and eternal God, through Christ our Lord.

“For at the Last Supper with his Apostles, establishing for the ages to come the saving memorial of the Cross, he offered himself to you as the unblemished Lamb, the acceptable gift of perfect praise.

“Nourishing your faithful by this sacred mystery, you make them holy, so that the human race, bounded by one world, may be enlightened by one faith and united by one bond of charity.

“And so, we approach the table of this wondrous Sacrament, so that, bathed in the sweetness of your grace, we may pass over to the heavenly realities here foreshadowed.

“Therefore, all creatures of heaven and earth sing a new song in adoration.”

~from the Preface for the Solemnity of Corpus Christi