Where has my life gone? What have I done with it all? How could I have wasted so much of this tremendous gift?
God has been so good to me. He has carried me like a little child. He has shielded me from so many dangers. He asks so little of me, and even that is only so that I might grow in likeness to Him, and find fulfillment in Him.
Instead, I sleep in His hands, and then wake up and run in little circles on His huge palms, ignoring Him as much as I can, begrudgingly giving Him little bits of time and some half-hearted attention.
I know I'm messed up. My humanity is skewed, tilted, off balance, cracked. I'm an emotional infant. I have an immense mind so full of aspirations and so prone to devouring itself. I'm driven by great desires and hindered by a strange paralysis.
I want to love other people. I do, but I'm also afraid of them.
Sometimes I am so angry at space and time and limits. I am angry with my own weakness. The great wound in my life, beneath it all, is something that I don't understand. It seems deeper than myself. Will I ever find healing?
"Why then do you judge your brother or sister? Or you, why do you look down on your brother or sister? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God" (Romans 14:10).
I have no grounds for condemning any person or for "looking down on" any person. I must remember to forgive so that I might be forgiven, to be merciful so that I might obtain mercy.
As the day draws to a close, as the night of life's end draws near, God's mercy is my only hope.
