I wrote about Ignatius's "conversion story" ten years ago; it appeared in my monthly article series in Magnificat all the way back in May 2014. I have written so many articles presenting the conversion stories of men and women of many nations and peoples in every part of the world, from various times, places, and circumstances over the past 2000 years. Although the series is ongoing, I have often thought of gathering together at least some of the articles already published, providing some additional introductory and contextual material, and representing these stories in one or more books. I would welcome any editor who might be able to help in this process (it's the kind of thing I used to do in my younger days as a publisher and editor, working with scholars and writers who were often over 60 years old).
Now I am in the position of being an "elder," and although I have very little of the wisdom that I ought to have at this age, I do have much experience of life and many ideas to convey and stories to tell. I have studied intently and read more books than I can remember (as well as writing a few of my own), and consequently have some small measure of accumulated learning (which I continue to pursue with, if anything, more ardor, more humility [I hope] and openness, and more passion for truth than ever before).
I still struggle with serious physical and mental limitations, but I continue to find ways to "work within them," trying to bear with many frustrations and with what I fear is the beginnings of the diminishment of my mental powers. I want to give from the gifts entrusted to me, and fulfill this dimension of my vocation. I also probably still care more about "worldly success" than I am willing to admit to myself.
The great Offering Prayer of Saint Ignatius is beautiful, although I cannot entirely pray it without hypocrisy. The prayer itself makes clear why it is ridiculous to "hold back" anything from the God who loves, who gives and will give us our true, transformed, definitive "selves" if we entrust to Him our poor struggling broken "selves-of-this-moment" (our journeying selves). I pray that the hidden and mysterious work of the Holy Spirit will prevail in me, clearing away the barriers of my pride, my illusions, and my fears and drawing me closer to the heart of this prayer.
Life is a "school" for learning to trust in God. Our journey is an ongoing conversion toward entering into this trust as a total act of abandonment and self-giving love to the God who is Himself Infinite Love and Infinite Gift.
"Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief"! (Mark 9:24). The man whose son was so terribly afflicted gave this response to Jesus's call for faith. It doesn't sound heroic or grand; it's an ordinary prayer from an ordinary man. But it's a true prayer, and the Lord answers it (the boy is cured). The beginning of prayer is already prayer; it is already the miracle of Christ's saving love, changing us and beginning to transform us.
With our hearts, our time, and our honest still-messed-up-selves, we pray that God will enable us to pray. Turning the infinite hunger of our souls to Him, we trust that He will enable us to trust. I beg Jesus to give me, and to continue to give me, the grace to enter into this great prayer of Saint Ignatius:
"Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and call my own. You have given all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Dispose of it wholly according to your will. Give me only your love and your grace, that is enough for me" (Saint Ignatius of Loyola).
